Relationships, Love and war, Romantic relationship, codependent partner, intimate relationship Subtle signs of a codependent relationship, Image: Instagram/@KaylaIvey
If you’ve heard the term codependency tossed around alongside other “toxic” relationship buzzwords, you might picture obvious scenarios where there’s a giver and a taker: A possessive, selfish jerk who takes advantage of their people-pleasing spouse, say, or a well-meaning but overwhelmed partner enabling a loved one with an addiction. However, codependency can show up in everyday, seemingly “healthy” relationships too—it’s just a bit harder to spot.
Maybe it starts with something as innocent as wanting to spend every waking moment together. Or blowing off plans with your friends because your SO wants to hang. While at first, being all over each other may seem relatively harmless (romantic, even), this overreliance can quickly become suffocating: Instead of a relationship that adds to your life, it begins to consume it.
“In a healthy romance, each person understands the importance of nurturing their own life by spending time with friends or pursuing feel-good hobbies,” Maggie Dancel, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Hopefull Psychology in New York City, tells SELF. But that type of independence often fades away in codependent relationships. Instead, Dr. Dancel says there’s an imbalance, where one (or both) partners rely on each other too much—not just for love, but also validation, security, and confidence—that there’s barely any room to grow or be happy on their own.
Recognizing codependency in a romantic relationship can be tricky, though, since many of its earliest signs look a lot like love. That’s why we tapped experts to share the most common yet subtle red flags to watch out for.
Maybe your partner has weekend plans without you, and instead of making the most of that time—by reading that book you’ve been meaning to finish or catching up with friends you haven’t seen in a while—you’re refreshing texts and anxiously waiting for them to return. Or you can’t seem to enjoy group hangouts unless your SO tags along. In some cases, they might even discourage this independence by guilt-tripping you subtly (“You want to see them but not me?”) or overtly (“Oh, so you’re ditching me???”).
It’s natural to want to be around your soulmate, and even a little space can feel like a huge void. “But codependency tends to be unhealthy because a romantic relationship is only one aspect of your life,” Dr. Dancel says. There’s so much that makes you, you: your career, friendships, goals, and dreams. So if this person is your only source of joy —or if they make it hard for you to tend to other parts of your life without them—it’s worth taking a step back to ask yourself: Am I losing myself in this relationship?
Codependency is all about emotional reliance, where one person becomes the center of your emotional universe—both the highs and lows. That explains why, “when they’re happy, you may feel secure. But if you don’t, that can turn your world upside down,” Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a New York City-based clinical psychologist, tells SELF.
As a result, Dr. Romanoff says you might fall into toxic, self-sacrificing habits to make your partner (and in turn, yourself) feel better. Instead of just comforting them after a bad day, for instance, you might go overboard, cracking jokes, buying gifts, basically overcompensating—even when all they need is space.
In more extreme cases, Dr. Romanoff warns that codependency can manifest in controlling behaviors. You might tell your partner how to feel (”You shouldn’t be so angry—seriously, just let it go”) or dictate their actions (“You have to meditate every morning if you’re that stressed”). On the flip side, your SO might make you responsible for their emotional well-being. Maybe they expect you to drop everything the moment they’re upset, no matter what you’re in the middle of, or they hint that you’d make them happier if only you gave up certain habits. In healthy relationships, both people are supportive equals—not caretakers or projects needing to be fixed.
Let’s say your partner doesn’t respond to your “Miss you so much” text right away. Immediately, you spiral, overthinking everything (Are they ignoring me? What if I scared them away?)—even though just last night, everything was fine. Or you just got promoted and have been crushing it at work. Still, you don’t feel accomplished unless they give you that “good job.”
According to Dr. Romanoff, second-guessing everything based on the smallest signs of “neglect” could suggest your self-worth has gotten too wrapped up in someone else’s actions or opinions. Because honestly, your confidence shouldn’t hinge on another person’s delayed text or a sudden dip in enthusiasm. And always looking for “proof” that you’re loved—or letting tiny things make you doubt it—often means that you’re not getting the assurance you need, either from yourself or your relationship.
Change and compromise are important in any partnership, but codependent people may hesitate to speak up about what’s important to them—more alone time, less PDA, no more Saturday night football!—out of fear that they’ll push their partner away. “As a result, you end up always putting your true wants, needs, and priorities on the back burner,” Dr. Romanoff warns.
This could look like going to a sweaty bar with their annoying friends every Thursday—not because you enjoy it, but because your SO does (and you’re worried they’ll like you less if you don’t join). Or you can’t stand smoking, but you put up with their stinky cigarettes just to avoid the risk of them dumping you.
While giving in or keeping quiet might sound like easy ways to stay in their good graces, Dr. Romanoff warns that constantly ignoring your boundaries can leave you drained, disconnected, and neglected—emotions that have no place in a happy, healthy romance.
What outfit should I wear? Which restaurant should I order takeout from? Should I do Pilates or yoga tomorrow morning? It’s one thing to crave your loved one’s opinion on your day-to-day—hey, maybe you want to look extra cute for date night, or they’ve got the best restaurant recs. But what’s more concerning, Dr. Romanoff says, is changing your choices just to match their preferences.
Deep down, you may absolutely love that bright-colored, fuzzy sweater. But the second your SO thinks it’s “meh,” you decide to stash that beloved winter staple forever. Or you can’t make weekend plans with friends without checking your partner’s schedule first.
Seeking their approval for the most insignificant choices is a classic sign that “you’ve lost sight of what’s best for yourself,” Dr. Dancel says—and instead, you’re essentially asking for permission to just live your damn life.
The good news, according to both therapists, is that there are ways to become more independent without having to drift apart—and an easy way to start is by showing yourself some love. For instance, go to your favorite yoga class solo or pick up a solitary, therapeutic hobby like knitting. These self-care practices should help you build confidence, feel fulfilled, and make it easier to rely less on someone else to fill your time.
Dr. Dancel also suggests easing into independence in small, manageable ways. Rather than going cold turkey on nightly dinner dates, try scaling back to just weekends, then using Thursday nights to grab drinks with your college pals. Other baby steps include rolling up to a work party solo (or with a friend), or walking your usual scenic route without texting them the entire time. The goal is for both of you to maintain your special interests and friendships and keep the romantic spark alive—and having an open, honest conversation about what you need more (and less) of is a solid start to figuring out that balance.
Of course, something as complicated as codependency often stems from deeper issues (namely low self-esteem or a fear of abandonment) that a therapist can help you work through. The right one can guide you to unpack what’s fueling your particular patterns, so you can replace them with healthier habits instead (like setting boundaries). Or they might open your eyes to how draining your dynamic truly is, empowering you to reevaluate things and, if needed, break up.
“Maintaining a separate life that’s just yours is a challenging and often long-term endeavor,” Dr. Romanoff says. Still, it’s worth remembering that this isn’t about pulling away or loving each other any less. In the right relationship, giving each other the space to grow individually sets you both up to thrive together as your strongest, best selves.
Original article appeared on SELF
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