This is the one question you should never ask your partner during an argument
Imagine you’re having a nice little dinner with your partner, catching up after a long day, and in the middle of the conversation, you check your notifications—just a quick glance to see if that important work email came through. When you do, your partner lets out a long-suffering sigh and says, “I hate when you spend our whole meal on your phone.” And, uh, excuse you? You feel attacked—you rarely monitor your inbox at the dinner table; you’re just having a super-busy week—so you ask, “When was the last time I even did that?”
It feels like a fair enough question. Especially if, from your POV, the complaint is exaggerated and tonight’s an exception to your typically engaged company. So imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this TikTok by couples counselor Jeff Guenther, LPC, wherein he says you definitely shouldn’t ask for receipts in situations like this. Whoops. “If you respond defensively, you’re not making it a safe place for your partner to open up again in the future,” Guenther, the Portland-based therapist behind TherapyJeff—tells SELF. “Would you feel comfortable bringing up an issue or concern if you expected them to respond like that?”
Of course, you’re not a bad person for asking—it’s just not the most productive response if your goal is a healthy, supportive partnership. “When somebody accuses you of doing something that’s harmful or hurtful, it’s natural to want to defend yourself and say, ‘Prove it!’” Guenther says. “But that can quickly spiral into the ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ kind of BS that never really creates any sort of healing, compromise, or emotional connection.”
In other words, you’re missing the point of the complaint—your partner is (most likely) trying to express their feelings, not put you on trial. Seeking proof turns the conversation into a debate over details rather than an opportunity to understand each other’s emotional experiences, Guenther explains. The same goes for other issues your SO might raise: forgetting important dates, slacking on chores, working too much, whatever.
So what’s a better way to react? Guenther suggests focusing on empathy and curiosity. “Remember, this is someone you care about, and they’re sharing their hurt with you,” he explains. In that moment, your priority should be making them feel heard and supported, rather than centering yourself. He says your response can be as simple as, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you felt that way. Can you tell me more?” This approach doesn’t just defuse tension—it shows that you’re listening and that their emotional experience matters to you.
That’s not to say you can never ask for more detail. You just don’t want it to be your first response when your partner gets vulnerable. “Asking for receipts isn’t the worst thing in the world, but you should ask for them later,” Guenther recommends—specifically after you listen to and validate their POV. “Once they feel heard, it’s easier to have a collaborative conversation about what happened and what both of you can do about it.” He recommends framing it like, “Can you give me more info about when I do this so I can watch out for it?”
Of course, Guenther’s advice to validate first and ask questions later is easiest to implement when your partner approaches you feelings-first, sharing I-statements like, “It hurts when you skip chores and I have to pick up the slack” or “I feel ignored when you don’t introduce me to your friends.” As Guenther jokes, “If they come at you aggressively like, ‘Why are you always on your damn phone?!’ then they should be ready for a fight.” (In case you haven’t heard, “always” and “never” are also big no-nos in relationship arguments.)
Still, he says the same principles can get you back on track if you’re both committed to healthy communication. Whoever’s on the receiving end of the accusation can try saying, “Can you tell me more about how it makes you feel when I do X?”
It’s worth noting that tips like this go out the window when certain emotional abuse tactics like gaslighting and manipulation are involved. If you suspect this may be happening in your relationship, it’s important to seek support from a therapist or a trusted advisor. Productive conflict resolution depends on both partners being committed to respect and care for each other.
But generally, in a healthy relationship, meeting your partner’s feelings with empathy and curiosity instead of asking for proof will serve you well. “It’s all about holding space for both of your emotional experiences,” Guenther says. By listening to their side without jumping to defend yourself, you create an environment where both of you can express yourselves freely, without fear of being dismissed or invalidated—a.k.a. relationship goals.
Original article appeared on SELF