Valentine’s Day, The Dating Playbook, Dudu Nhlabathi-Madonsela, love, relationships, dating advice, breadcrumbing The Dating Playbook, Image: Supplied
Known as The Peaceful One on TikTok and head coach on Single Wives SA Season 1, Dudu Nhlabathi-Madonsela brings her expertise to this empowering book that’s perfect for singles and couples alike
Offering practical tips on online dating, flirting, and understanding how social and personal factors shape relationships, Dudu’s fresh insights are tailored to help you whether you’re dating for fun or searching for The One. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, this guide provides the perfect tools to deepen your connections and find meaningful love.
What inspired you to write The Dating Playbook?
Dudu: I believe that societies thrive when individuals cultivate meaningful relationships, as these connections often lead to healthy family structures. Societies with strong family foundations tend to be more peaceful, healthier, and productive. Therefore I wrote this book to be of service to mankind
Glamour: You’re known as 'The Peaceful One' on TikTok—how does this philosophy translate into dating advice?
Dudu: My dating advice is intentionally not peaceful. I've found that people are more receptive to messages when their guard is down, especially when advice is delivered with humour and wit. To capture the public's attention, I decided to adopt a spicy and funny approach. Soon, my followers began to comment that I had no peace, and that's how 'The Peaceful Once' was born.
Glamour: How did your experience as a head coach on 'Single Wives SA' shape the advice in your book?
Dudu: While I may not have been the head coach, I was one of the coaches brought in to guide the ladies on online dating. Engaging with them allowed me to reference their experiences, which significantly shaped my advice in the sections of the book that cover the do's and don’ts of online dating.
Glamour: You describe modern dating as a "pandemic"—what do you think are the biggest struggles singles face today?
Dudu: Being nice and kind to one another is more important than ever. I kid you not—people today are so self-absorbed and focused solely on their own needs that they've completely lost sight of what truly matters. It seems we've forgotten that healthy interpersonal relationships are built when two souls connect for the greater good of humanity. Imagine if our ancestors had only focused on what they could gain from others without any sense of reciprocity; none of us would be here today—we would be extinct.
It's increasingly common to encounter content on how to deal with narcissists, highlighting that self-absorption has become a pandemic in its own right. As a result, many people struggle to find or maintain romantic relationships because we've lost essential skills in conflict management. We no longer know how to accommodate others, and we’ve succumbed to a culture of instant gratification, lacking the patience to truly get to know one another.
Glamour: Social media and dating apps have changed the way people connect. What are some do’s and don’ts for navigating online dating?
Dudu: Without giving away the book, in summary there are two main things to look out for:
Avoid Overselling Yourself: Remember, you’re not a telemarketer. Overloading your bio with self-promotion can come across as desperate and may reveal your vulnerabilities, making it easier for scammers to take advantage of you.
Aim for Real Connections: You're looking for a boyfriend, not a pen pal. The goal should be to transition that initial interaction into a date as quickly as possible.
Glamour: How can people avoid common dating pitfalls like ghosting and breadcrumbing?
Dudu: Most people lack a clear dating strategy aligned with their dating goals, causing them to wander aimlessly in the dating world, hoping their ancestors will guide them. They forget that even their ancestors can get tired, which has motivated me to write a book to help them find love.
Without a clear dating strategy, it's challenging to determine who to say yes or no to. You may struggle to recognise chance takers, which is why a guy who can barely afford a R99 TV subscription might end up ghosting you after benefiting from your generosity. I come in peace
Glamour: In your book, you break down different types of dating. How can people determine which style works best for them?
Dudu: My book explored various elements that need to be taken into account when dating, and depending on your dating objectives, one then can combine these elements with context in mind in order to win at love.
Dating etiquette can be tricky—what are your top tips for great communication both online and in person?
This is covered in the book, but what I can share is that it's important to recognise that half of what you communicate reflects your state of mind. Be mindful not to lead with your triggers
Glamour: What are some subtle but effective flirting techniques people can use on a date?
Dudu: Again, I am going to ask people to read the book as this is covered extensively. This is a whole lesson on its own and a short paragraph wont do it justice.
Glamour: Multicultural relationships can come with unique challenges. What advice do you have for couples navigating cultural differences?
Dudu: Yes, cultural and social conditioning significantly influence the values we uphold and our perceptions of a good relationship. For instance, if your partner's love language is acts of service and you were raised in a Western, individualistic society, you might express that love primarily towards your partner. However, if your partner is a traditional African man, he may expect those acts of service to extend to his family, reflecting his cultural values and expectations, such as fulfilling 'Makoti' duties.
Unless individuals are willing to understand each other at this deeper level—recognising how their upbringing shapes their values—people from different cultures are more likely to experience misunderstandings and conflicts
Glamour: Do you think family and societal expectations play too big a role in how people date?
Dudu: Yes, you are not an island, and unfortunately or fortunately depends how you look at it, people come with their own tribes. One key piece of advice I always share is that just as you took the time to court your partner, you must also allow them the opportunity to get to know your family. It's unfair to expect someone who has never met your loved ones to instantly become best friends with them on your wedding day.
Glamour: How can individuals stay true to themselves while respecting traditions?
Dudu: The first part of my book a go into this. This is not a straightforward answer. One people often confuse traditions and culture. Culture is a set of principles that people live by and tradition is how people apply these principles. The application of culture should evolve when society changes , and therefore traditions are not static.
So, to answer your questions when the “Custodian” of culture allows for one to customise its application to be inline with their values, then this is how one can stay true to self without disregarding traditions. The issue in SA, due to lost traditions when Africans were displaced, the very custodians on culture, more like self-proclaimed, such as aunts, uncles and mother-in-laws, the very custodians of culture are confused about its application too.
Glamour: Your book is described as empowering for both singles and couples. What’s the biggest mindset shift people need to make to be successful in love?
Dudu: That you are who you sleep with. What you tolerate in a love is a reflection of the degree to which you love yourself. You date at the level of your self-esteem, and I give free hugs if in need of one once reading this.
Glamour: What’s your advice for people who feel disheartened by dating and want to give up?
Dudu: That we have a population crisis looming and we need people to find love. I am joking, on a serious note dating is not that hard, you just need someone like me to show you how to date.
Glamour: What’s your advice for singles who would like to make the most of Valentine’s Day?
Dudu: If you had not secured a date by the 10th of February, admit defeat. Go out with you friends and have fun, and you can console yourself by knowing that half of the people out there will be receiving gifts they do not like. See how I have helped you make the most of it.
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