When family becomes the enemy: How toxic in-laws can destroy marriages
THERE;S an old saying: “When you marry someone, you marry their family too.” For some, this is a beautiful extension of love and support.
For others, it’s a never-ending nightmare. Toxic in-laws can wreak havoc on a marriage, turning what should be a sanctuary into a battlefield.
When a mother-in-law becomes the problem
A toxic mother-in-law doesn’t necessarily hold a grudge based on facts. In fact, she often doesn’t even allow herself to truly get to know her daughter-in-law. She may be critical, controlling, or even outright dismissive, making it clear that no one is good enough for her child.
On TikTok, where discussions about toxic in-laws thrive, one woman’s words hit home for many: “If your mother-in-law is disrespectful to you, it’s actually not her who failed you — it’s your husband. A mother-in-law can only be as toxic as your husband allows.”
@suzanneroxanne A woman can’t respect a man who is afraid to stand up for her‼️ #redflags #datingadvice #toxicrelationship #cheaters #couples #boyfriends #relationship #marriedlife #marriage #husbandandwife #relationshipadvice #toxic #cheating #love #mil #motherinlaw ♬ original sound - SuzanneRoxanne💓Marriage•Love
Too often, husbands excuse their mothers’ behaviour, saying: “That’s just how she is, babe.” But in reality, a husband who values and prioritises his wife will not tolerate family members disrespecting her.
How in-laws divide marriages
It’s not just mothers-in-laws - sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, and even extended family members can become agents of chaos in a marriage.
Some sisters-in-laws treat their brother’s wife as an outsider, fueling conflict and isolation. Others go as far as actively turning their brother against his wife.
Actress Brenda Ngxoli recently shocked South Africans when she went public with a dispute involving her own mother. In a viral video, she is seen holding her child while confronting her mother, who appears to be holding a rod. Accusations of abuse flew from both sides. The heartbreaking scene reminded many of how deeply family conflict can be cut — even between a mother and daughter.
@lindi_cindi #stitch with @noseymuchx #brendangxoli #family emotional triggers #my2cents ♬ original sound - noseymuchx
The psychology behind toxic in-laws
According to Dr Nombuso Gama, an educational psychologist who has taken her insights to TikTok under the initiative "Taking Psychology to the Streets," toxic mothers-in-law especially narcissistic ones often seek to control every aspect of their children’s lives, even after marriage.
@dr.gama.psychologist Replying to @gogisto5 #SAMA28 #fyppppppppppppppppppppppp #fypp #eswatinitiktok🇸![CDATA[]]>🇿 #fyp #fyp #southafricatiktok🇿![CDATA[]]>🇦 #narcissisticmother #narcissisticmother #narcissistparentproblems #narcissistparent #narcissistparent #narcissisticmothers #narcissisticmotherinlaw ♬ original sound - Dr. Gama / Psychologist
In the video, Dr Gama explains: "Narcissistic mothers destroy their children’s marriages because they want control over everything,“ says Dr Gama. ”They don’t allow their children to be autonomous adults. When they can’t control you, they criticise you. This is why many daughters-in-law find themselves constantly under attack.”
This power struggle becomes worse when the husband does not see a problem. “He grew up in a dysfunctional family, so to him, this is normal,” one anonymous woman wrote in a BuzzFeed questionnaire about toxic in-laws. It took him being in a healthy relationship to realise it wasn’t okay.”
@mzansisgreatestfamily Golden Rule 👌 Protect your partner 🙏
♬ original sound - Mzansis Greatest Family
The impact of toxic in-laws on mental health
Endless family drama, passive-aggressive comments, and outright hostility can take a toll on one’s mental well-being.
Many women find themselves struggling with anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation when dealing with a toxic in-law situation.
In South Africa, where family is often seen as a vital support system, cutting ties with toxic in-laws can be difficult. However, when the emotional burden becomes unbearable, prioritising one’s mental health is crucial.
How to handle toxic in-laws without destroying your marriage
1. Set clear boundaries
If your in-laws constantly interfere in your marriage, boundaries are essential. You and your partner should agree on limits whether that means restricting visits, keeping personal matters private, or limiting conversations about your relationship.
2. Communicate openly with your partner
Your spouse should be your biggest ally. If they are constantly defending their toxic family, it may be time for a serious conversation. Express your feelings clearly, using examples of how their family’s actions are affecting you.
3. Don’t engage in power struggles
Some toxic in-laws thrive on drama. Instead of feeding into their negativity, remain calm and refuse to engage in unnecessary arguments. This takes away their control over your emotions.
4. Seek professional help
Therapy can be incredibly helpful in navigating family conflicts. Whether it’s couples counselling or individual therapy, a neutral third party can provide strategies for managing difficult family dynamics.
5. Know when to walk away
Sometimes, the only way to protect your peace is to distance yourself. This doesn’t mean cutting ties completely, but rather, creating emotional and physical space where necessary.
6. Encourage your partner to stand up for your marriage
If your in-laws are constantly disrespecting you, your partner needs to be the one to set the record straight. If they refuse, you may need to reconsider the foundation of your marriage.
Not every toxic in-law relationship can be fixed. Some family members will never accept you, no matter what you do.
In these cases, the best thing you can do is focus on your well-being and protect your marriage from unnecessary drama.
At the end of the day, a healthy marriage is built on love, respect, and mutual support. If your in-laws threaten that foundation, it’s up to you and your partner to decide how much influence they should have over your lives.
Because in the grand scheme of things, marriage should be about building a future together not fighting battles from the past.